If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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