I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
