filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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