I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
