she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
