make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
