my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
