at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
They have beer where we have blood.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
