I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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