Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
