Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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