I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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