My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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