I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
