there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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