we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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