I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
