WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
