I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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