So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There's always time for handjobs
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
