Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
