I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
