My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
