I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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