The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
