i think my tv is drunk
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I need moral support for this bender
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
