i think my tv is drunk
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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