I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
