i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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