i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
