Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
