We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
