i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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