My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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