i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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