I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
