She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
