I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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