I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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