There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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