I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
