How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
