I wish I could teleport
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
