I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
