be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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