She is in my trunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
