i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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