I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
