i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
