I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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