she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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